Category: Writers Block
Ghost Recollections
How can I describe how I feel?
Well, perhaps slightly nostalgic?
Nostalgic for the way things used to be?
Nostalgic for the ones who used to be my so-called friends?
What I can’t seem to understand is why she did what she did.
It still seems like yesterday,
The mixed up feelings won’t go away.
I find myself needing to prove something,
What it is, I still don’t get.
Would to Heaven that her apology was everything I needed to get through that hard time!
Why must I go on thinking about her and the situation?
Why can’t I still get rid of that illusion of a friendship I thought existed?
Would to Heaven that it was all a crazy dream.
A night mare.
Anything but true.
Too many things would I change,
But it is now so late.
I still ponder this question:
What will happen when I see her again?
I will see her again.
Yes, this is an inevitable bridge that I will be crossing in less than 1000 days.
Once before I asked this question and once before I have received an answer by the events that occurred.
Was it so hard?
No, it wasn’t hard,
Because when we greeted each other,
I momentarily forgot her damaging my sensitive heart and trust.
Yet I was uncomfortable know she was in the vicinity.
Yet I am happy for her and whatever goes well with her.
I don’t wish her wrong,
But she didn’t have to wish it with me.
For she didn’t trust my reaction and she did me a great wrong not doing so.
Months later, I still feel I must keep proving myself to the critiquing messed up world we live in before the eventual arrival in Heaven.
If I could speak to the man in the moon,
I’d ask him how,
How can I go back and redo the parts I did wrong.
I would redo this friendship.
If possible, this friendship wouldn’t even exist.
Yes, I would change that.
For in the thoughtlessness of it all I was wrapped up,
Believing she was awesome.
I trusted her beyond belief.
Perhaps that’s why she turned on me.
Or perhaps I wasn’t cut out of finer cloth?
Who knows? The question is now: How do I get rid of the wrath it still causes me,
Though the rumors are everything but true.
Yet, I still consider living in the vicinity of her voice and house later on?
How crazy is this.
I comfort myself not thinking about the fact that I will be in such close quarters to her.
So close that if I develop a friendship with her once again,
I might suffocate from the heat of the rumors.
Nothing’s going to be the same.
I won’t delude myself
I know that they will remember.
Yet, it is not for her I will be living there,
But for myself.
I’ve paid the price for becoming too close to her
And the rumors WILL NOT repeat themselves.
If they do, I have to have some pride,
Hold my head high,
As if they weren’t talking.
They will never understand,
No use to cry over the milk I’ve spilled.
No need to cross the bridge I’ve burnt.
I won’t even look.
I’ll pass it by,
As if the smoke coming from the ruins was part of my imagination.
And I know I can’t choose her house for a stay of relaxation.
For I am not worthy.
I don’t have what it takes to be part of that life that I deluded myself with in 2005,
So now, what I must do,
Is get out of this ever-wandering boat,
And dive, just dive,
To the water I should have sum in from the beginning.
Tonight I start over,
I just ask that I won’t need to hide my sorrow for a lost friendship,
In the sweltering humidity and the thundering rain.
I’ll just say one more thing,
I will not make her computer ring,
With an invitation to add me to her contacts list.
To keep the rumors at bay,
I must continue to play,
And not cry out in surprise,
When I spot her in the clearing of the place I will call mine soon.
I hope to her I’ll be long forgotten.